I'm frustrated
by Sterminator600
Summary: Now I've really had enough. I need your help. Please, read my petition and help me with my battle!ps English is not my native language, so be kind!
1. Chapter 1

Good evening. I make a protest. Yes, I know it's not a good thing to protest without saying my name first, but I still protest. If you really want, I will even say who I am: I am the Broom Closet. I'm complaining because no one ever washes me, neither Filch nor the guys that "use" me. According to you fanwirters, I contain more body fluids on my walls than the ones in a human being. And no one ever uses some detergent on my walls. I'm complaining because no one ever tidies me up. It's ages that the guys who spend the night in me end up with a broom up their butts. Or sometimes a shelf falls because they are not meant to hold two guys on them. I PROTEST! And no one has ever thought about fixing my door. Every goddamned time someone visits me, my door lock gets stuck. Anm what about my sensitivity? Do you ever think about that?

I DEMAND SYMPATHY! First of all: everyone who gets in never asks "May I go in?", second: I'm full of spiders. I'm freakin' full of spiders. And i'm sick and tired. I could be as clean as the Big Hall whan it's Christmas, but no one ever thinks about washing me!

I OBJECT, YOUR HONOUR! I object to the lack of light in my life. The one and only lightbulb I've got has burned out, and it doesn't even have a chandelier! I am always so kind to you! When I see some guy that goes in twice with two different girls in two different days days I keep quiet, because I'm not a sneak!And what to you do to thank me? NOTHING! Not even a freaking lamp!

Ok, I admit that I've seen a LOT of things. Some of the "games" I've seen -I'm sure - are from some real genius - or pervert... I've seen a hell of a lot people. I think that the few ones I've never seen are geeks, bookworms, nerds or prefer much cleaner places.

I MUTINY! I mutiny because I'm full of plebeian stuff! Why can't you give me a trophy? Not even a very little one? Why do I have to stick with my spiders? I ask for so little...what about a little trinket? Just to get your fanfictions more romantic! Aw, never mind. I already noticed that you're a bunch of ungrateful brats. And I'm so kind hearted...I always keep my mouth shout, like a professional! Unlike the Library, that gossipy jerk.

I SAY "I'VE HAD ENOUGH!" Yes, I've had enough of those rooms who tease me because they feel so superior... And come on, we all know that the most loved room has always been none other than me. For example: that stinking Potion Room, with all her drama queen attitude. As if we don't know that she hides rotten potions in almost every desk! And that wrecked Common Room of Ravenclaw! I hope God will destroy her. Always bragging about her lovely, cute, intelligent students. Aaaaw, and those chewing-gums that are under the table got there on their own? Or it was the Bleeding Baron's fault? Please, shut the heck up. And that snobbish Girl Dormitory of Hufflepuff. "Aren't my girls chaste and pure, la la la". Screw you. **I** had the chance to see how chaste and pure your girls are. Please! And what about that bleeding Chamber of Secrets? ARGH! Always going like "No one knows where I am, bl bl bl!". PLEASE! If that Potter kid found you out, it means you're not that carefully hidden now, are you?

THEN STOP! You too have to sign this document for "The Broom Closet has to be clean and not discriminated!" Sign, you won't regret it!


	2. Dovecot

I had a long talk with my friend, the Broom Closet, and we had to agree on extending the petition to each and every one of the discriminated rooms: from now on the petition is not "The Broom Closet has to be clean and not discriminated!" anymore, now it is called "Dirty and Discriminated Rooms who fight for their Social Welfare". Dirty & Discriminated Rooms from all over the world, UNITE! If we reach a satisfactory number of signatures we could go on, I'm sure!

I have seen things that you students of Hogwarts can't even imagine. I've seen them because they make me. And I've seen so much that now I'm sick and tired. I am the Dovecot. Well, you call me Owlery, but I feel more like a Dovecot. And you know why? Because given the IQ of the animals I host, I can't honestly say they are trained owls. Do you know how many of those birds I've seen crushing against my walls because they couldn't aim for the window? Do you know how many of those stupid fowl get the letters to the wrong recipients? I have an average: four per day. You don't believe me? Then read the fanfictions! In how many of them there is a misunderstanding about who is the Real Recipient? And what about their masters! They're so intelligent that I sometimes wonder who is the real master, if them or the fowl! They get in smiling like idiots, they stomp and the owl dropping that are everywhere, they struggle to tie the letter on their chicken's leg and they tell them what to do. Usually they go like "Ok, try not to get lost. Bring it to Snuffles, ok?" WHAT THE HECK? TO SNUFFLES? And then I understand why the feathered can't get the right recipient!

I've seen with my own eyes people making proposals here. Aw, how romantic: "Cho, how about going to the Ball with me?", in a lovely smell of crap. I stick with my friend Closy for the petition for the cleaning of the less fortunate rooms. I'm full of crap, feathers and pieces of paper. Last time they cleaned me it was for the Great Ball of the Dovecots in 375 B.C…. well, at least I've been cleaned once, unlike Closy.

But I don't have a good life anyway, you know? Do you have the faintest idea what owls and doves do at night? A whole lot of very dirty stuff. My virgin eyes are tired of all this promiscuity. Please, rearrange me. I want to be a Chic room, just like the Astronomy one, or the Divination one… What do you think, I could look a hell of a lot more attractive than I am now if I had some armchairs, a fireplace…? Do you believe me if I tell you that that bitch of the Common Room of Griffyndor teases me since they put owls in me? I know you believe me, you know, every Common Room in this school is a bitch!

May I ask you something else? Please, put a balustrade to my window, you can't even imagine how many students try to kill themselves jumping off my window. There are some students who seriously worry me… every bleeding time they come, they stare like two hours out the window. And then, there are those jerks. I really wish to throw them out the window! The ones who come, look around and say "Oh my, someone should clean this place!" and then thay don't do anything about it. And don't play dumb with me, you Hufflepuff, you work just like a retired Slytherin!

I'm sick and tired to be Dirty & Discriminated. I'm sick and tired to have my walls covered in the blood of the owls who hit my walls. I'm sick and tired of the flirting little students. And anyway I could be a really kickass room, you know…I think I could be the Detention Room. All covered in studs and chains, just like a punk! but some very spineless man decided that in the XIX century there is no more need of some serious hits for teaching the students some etiquette. And so I'm covered in crap. Literally!

And you, Griffyndor Common Room, don't be a snobbish bitch, as I'm the only Dovecots around! You are just one of the other three Common Room.

Anyway sign the petition, the battle is not over yet! ALL FOR WON!

Ps. My gosh, translating is a hell of a difficult task. Anyway my native language is Italian, which is very (and I mean it) different from English

Jeez

THANK YOU FOR SIGNING! THE BATTLE KEEPS GOING ON!


	3. Girls Restroom

Good evening. I agree. I agree because I can't take it anymore. I agree because I feel like a flushed loo. By the way, I am a Loo. Really! And I'm dirty and broken and frustrated too. I'm very unsatisfied with my uncomfortable position, right on top of the Chamber of Secrets, that stinking snobbish bitch who always sends me threateng messages through the pipes. Just like every room who's involved in this petition, I am very discriminated. I am a Girls Restroom, but I haven't seen one in ages. Just think when I was young I used to host groups of twenty per trip…But then She arrived. That Moaning Myrtle Jerk has thought "Let's die here!" and started haunting me. No girl has ever come back to me, as She is a nerd, oh so nerd….How to explain…oh yes, just like Sandra Dee.

Anyway now I'm useless. That bleeding ghost keeps wrecking the pipes and splashing water everywhere. Always, each and every day she daoes something that gets on my flushed nerves. I complain because they deceive me! Lately I was under the impression to have become a Boys Restroom. No one has thought about telling me about the change, and now I'm full of machos who hang around in me. And now I'm also a Potions Restroom! All of a sudden, I am full of potions. But not simple potions, but very cool ones! If I tell you you won't believe me…POLIJUICE POTION! When I told Broom Closet and Dovecot they looked at me eith eyes as wide as a crystal ball! They started some years ago…some day a girl gets in and I, delighted, think: "Wow, I'm not useless anymore!". Then two dull looking boys enter the scene. At first I thought they wanted to go to Broom Closet….no biggie. They put a cauldron on a loo and they throw some random stuff in it. "I DO hope they won't eat what they're cooking, It's been 54 years since they last cleaned me…". The thing went on for like three months. Then they transformed into someone else and I've never seen them again. Well, sometimes the glasses boy popped in.

… hang on…OH NO! It's a message from the Chamber of Secrets…if you want, I'll read it:

"You stink! I can't even breath! Get a good washing up or I'll have you destroyed, got it?"

THERE! As if it's my fault. Is Myrtle's, eho likes throwing stinking bombs in the loos. I think she's in love…you know, lately we have such a drama queen…always crying. Mind you, I'm not complaining, he's a beautiful boy, a blondie… but he, too, is here to make that Polijuice Potuin. Maybe I'll ask Dumbledore to change my job…

And why don't we talk about that crazy boy? It was 50 years ago, it was him who put Myrtle in me, him and his Pureblood-are-the-best ideas. Please. We all know you're not one, anyway…

Let me do my job. You can't immagine how much the sixth floor Restroom teases me. And what about the Prefects Restroom? Those bastards, always thinking they're the best. Why no one tells them that the prefects' crap is just like Filch's?

Please sign, the battle is not over yet!


	4. A Common Room

Good morning, plebeians. To my great dismay, I couldn't help but notice that the Broom Closet, that filthy peasan, dared disturb you with this nonsense. Said nonsense is a document, or even better, a petition about the rights and the dignity of discriminated Rooms. Please. Be serious: you all know that those rooms, forgotten even by the house elves, have no dignity. The most serious problem, the one that really worries me, that is taking my sleep away, is that this petition is actually going somewhere.

If I didn't feel like crying, I would laugh, because this whole thing looks like a joke to me.

And so, I, the stupendous, marvellous, wonderful, magic, incredible Common Room of Slytherin, decided to say "I've had enough of this buffoonery!"

I've had enough of this absurd Closet, who is only used by hormone-raging teenagers, who has been joined by other filthy, flea infested rooms: The Owlery and the Out of Order Girls Lavatory.

Noble Chambers, this complain is for you: help me in my threatening work towards this farce. Please, help me put this commoners back to where they belong, at the bottom of the social order. Let's hold on tight on our well deserved privileges. We shall not allow this scum to be the masters of our marvellous school! To the arms! We will ask for demolition, if it is required!

For the love of our splendid castle, please, UNITE!

I leave you, and I remino you the Noble Room Decalogus:

You're noble because you are cleaned often and with care.

You're noble because you're still in use.

you're noble becasue they use polish on you even on Sundays and durino holidays.

you're noble because your only parasites are students.

you're noble becasue you can open your doors and be sure of not letting out bad smells.

you're noble because you're design is from some really cool artist.

you're noble because students don't commit sins in you.

you're noble because the lights in you are never burned out.

you're noble because you help culture.

you're noble because internal fluids of animals and students are not on your wall and/on your floor but inside their owners.

…

…

Ehm….by the way…I have a complain about a matter that seriously dishonours me….

How come that Griffyndobes is in the high clearity of the sky while me and my students are dying of claustrophobia in the basement? Why don't you give us some window? Why light has to be green?

Obviously it is chic, mind you, but I'm not a youngster anymore, and now I suffer from wet climate and rheumatism…I only ask for a little transfer during holidays, that's all…


End file.
